What is anger trying to tell you?

Anger is such an important emotion, and it’s not often talked about.

You know when you feel it: perhaps it hits you like a ton of bricks, perhaps it tightens your chest - perhaps it is always there, under the surface, simmering away. Perhaps you express it in unintentional ways - or perhaps you squash it down, hoping it goes away. 

I used to ignore my anger, but over the years I’ve learned to accept it as an important emotion. It communicates to me who I am, what I can tolerate and who I want to be.

Here are a few thoughts…

Anger and boundaries

Anger can tell us when our boundaries have been crossed, and can tell us what we really value. It’s a very cool feature of our system - when we feel that we are being unfairly treated, ignored, missing out on something - we may feel a bubbling of anger. It’s our system trying to let us know that we aren’t okay with being treated this way. 

Over time, we may notice we are repeatedly experiencing anger around someone. By investigating this, we may realise that we feel we are being taken advantage of, or that they are speaking to us unkindly. 

By noticing this pattern with this person, we have an opportunity to take action, to reduce how often we feel upset. We might set a boundary - ‘When you speak to me in this way, I feel unhappy, because I value kindness and respect. Please do not speak to me this way anymore.’ Or we might decide that it is better not to be around that person any longer: perhaps we move workplace, or distance ourselves from that friend. Anger here has helped us make choices in our lives, to move away from discomfort and towards joy and balance.

Anger and emotions

Anger is sometimes described as a ‘secondary emotion’ - that is to say, that it masks another emotion we are feeling. By investigating this feeling, we can express it and make choices about our lives. For example, we may feel angry when we watch TV, and see a character being mistreated. On closer inspection, we realise that we feel sad about how we were mistreated in the past. By acknowledging and processing this, we can meet our emotional need.

Anger when we are stuck

Anger can come when we feel stuck in a situation where we cannot leave. Grief can be one such situation - we feel angry that the person is gone, we feel angry that we have to experience grief, we may feel angry at the person themselves. Anger here tells us more ideas about who we are, and how we relate to the person. Meeting the anger with kindness and patience means that we have the chance to feel these feelings, and slowly work through them as we undergo the grieving process.

Conclusion

Those were a few ideas about the things we can learn from anger: where are boundaries are, what we value, the emotions we hold and need to experience. Feeling angry can be an important part of our lives, and our grieving process. But if you find yourself really trapped in repetitive angry cycles, you might want to work through this with a therapist. I welcome anger in the therapeutic process - we can meet it with curiosity, hold it securely and feel that feeling.

When do you notice anger in yourself? Is there a regular pattern? What do you do with it?

✨ Warmth and wishes, ✨

April

Cosy Therapy