My issue with self care

'Self care' is a term that comes up a lot. And if it works for you, keep it up! Every pathway is different, and you’ve gotta use the language and practices that serve you. It works better for me now than it used to - because of my changed relationship to self.

My difficulty with ‘self care’ is this: if we dislike ourselves, how do we find the motivation to care for ourselves?

If you’re struggling with your mental health, you might have a negative view of yourself. It’s a common experience, and can take some time to dismantle. It’s so much easier to care for others when we feel positively towards them, so much harder to care for ourselves when we feel negatively towards ourselves. Why are we better at giving kind advice to others, than taking our own advice? Often it’s because we don’t think we deserve such kindness.

When I’m working with someone on their mental health journey, we might look at self care. Eating, sleeping, talking to friends, going outside, journalling, taking baths. But I’ve stopped framing it as self care, because this feels so tied up in our relationship to self.

So how I describe it is this: 

What will give me the best shot at surviving this time?

When things are hard, take your relationship to self out of it. What gives me the best shot at survival? If I’ve got stress at work, would it be more useful to sleep and eat well, or would it be more useful to stay up late and skip meals? Would it be more useful to drink a lot to try and control what I feel, or to punch a pillow and watch a cheerful TV show to guide what I feel? It might seem overly simplistic, but it works.

Make choices for yourself as if you were guiding a friend through surviving this time. See if you can get them through in the best state possible. And be gentle with them - they’re going through enough already.

If you’re wrestling with self destruction, fighting your inner critic or just trying to process your pain, maybe I could help. I’m a therapist, and I will sit with you where you’re at, for as long as you need. We can then look at bringing about change whenever you feel ready.

Warmth and wishes

April

Cosy Therapy