Making friends as an adult

Something that often comes up in therapy and support groups, is how hard it can be to make friends as an adult.

When we are children, we are often in environments where we can make friends more easily. School, activities, college: we are in environments where there are lots of people seeking friendships, and constantly making social connections. That doesn’t mean it was easy - many of us felt rejected at school.

But as an adult, we start to move into different environments. We may move to a new city or country, we may start in a new workplace, we may start a new phase of life. With less of our usual support system, we can find ourselves feeling lonely. We may feel misunderstood, or that we only have surface level connections. 

As someone who moved cities, I’ve had to start over a couple of times. It’s not always easy, but I have made deep friendships and put down roots.

So how do we make friends as adults? Here are some ideas that come to mind…

Attending classes, Meetups, or groups

Classes can be a great, low-pressure way to make friends. You can start talking to people about the work you’re doing - drawing, tai chi, languages. Over time, you can start to get to know your classmates in other ways, and invite them for coffee. 

Meetups is a website where people organise groups and events to meet up. Anyone can attend, and it’s a great way to meet people in your city who are also looking for connection. I used it to build friendships when I first moved to Edinburgh, and I still have those close friends years later. 

Groups can also be a good resource when we are looking for friends in our stage of life - perhaps we are newly a parent, and looking for support and connection. Perhaps we are struggling with grief or retirement; we may find connection and reassurance by attending a group for people going through the same thing.

Offering connection

If we talk about surface-level things all the time, we may struggle to progress friendships at work or class. If we gently offer small things that matter to us, we can start to test out building deeper connections. So instead of always talking about the weather with a colleague, perhaps we can also talk about a TV show that we’re passionate about, or something that we worry about. Our colleague has an invitation to connect, to understand us better, and to offer something of their own. I’m not saying we need to completely open up about everything, but we can slowly share things over time which may start to build the foundation of a friendship. 

Closing the deal

Sometimes, we may have people we like in our life who we have not yet solidified a connection with. Perhaps we always have a laugh with a neighbour, or chat to someone in class. We may need to progress the friendship by taking it outside of our usual environment. By inviting them for coffee or a walk, we can get to know them at a deeper level, spend quality time together and find out if they’re the right friend for us. 

Those are just a few ideas - each person is unique, and it’s okay if they don’t work for you. Additionally, you may want to work on things like social anxiety and avoidance, to help you feel more comfortable in social situations.

Whatever your path, I wish you the best of luck in making friendships that feel good to you.

Warmth and wishes,

April