5 ways to manage conflict

Conflict can feel scary, but disagreements happen in most long term personal relationships. Whether it’s a partner, a friend, family member or colleague, we are bound to have differences in opinion and things to resolve at times. 

Maybe you find yourself avoiding conflict, or things are spiraling out of control on the regular. If that’s the case, here are 5 ideas to manage disagreements:

🕰️ Don’t argue after 9pm

Being a little thoughtful about how and when you raise the issue, may help keep it from spiralling. I tend to believe that arguments don’t go well after 9pm, as when we are tired, emotions quickly get out of hand. We can find ourselves staying up late, hammering away at something that isn’t going anywhere. 

So write it down, express all your feelings on paper, and come back to it in the morning. The issue may still be important to you, but you’ll both be in your best state to handle it.

💪 Own your feelings

Instead of labelling the person by saying something like, ‘You are selfish’, discuss how YOU feel instead. ‘When you do x, I feel frustrated, angry and sad. This is because I value y.’ It reduces the feeling of opposition, and gives them a better chance of understanding you. 

Credit to Marshall P Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, which I highly recommend as a book or audiobook.

⏰ Set a timer

If you’re finding arguments drag on, agree to set a timer of 20 minutes. This limits the time you’re discussing it, and gives you both the chance to walk away and breathe. If you return to it later, you may find that you are less heightened and bring a fresh perspective.

🤫 Don’t make assumptions about how they’re thinking

It can be tempting to think ‘She did this because she knew it would hurt me,’ but this way of thinking ignores the other person’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs. By checking things out with them and listening to how they made a decision, you may find that you can work together to approach the topic differently, so that both of your needs are met.

🔄 Do something different

Going around the same issue repeatedly is hard work. Approaching the problem differently could help break you out of rigid patterns. 

This can be taking a walk together to talk it through, hugging each other while talking, writing about it, going to individual or couples’ therapy, or reevaluating the relationship and its role in your life. Taking space can help you find a new perspective and reframe what’s happening. Remember that your needs matter, and relationships should support you as well as the other person.

I hope these tips were helpful! If you’re looking to work on your relationships with a therapist, you can find me at cosytherapy.com. I offer a free 15 minute intro chat so you can work out if I’m the right fit for you. 

Warmth and wishes,

✨ April ✨

Cosy Therapy