"I Don’t Deserve It": How We Self-Exclude from Happiness

In our pursuit of happiness and success, we often find ourselves getting in our own way. But why do we do this, and how does it affect our careers, relationships, and overall well-being?

If you’ve ever found yourself self-sabotaging — whether in your career or relationships — you’re not alone. Maybe you start a business, but give away your services for free, instead of charging what you're worth. Or perhaps you begin a new relationship, only to push the other person away. When you notice these behaviours, you might wonder: Why am I disrupting my own path to happiness?

A key to understanding this is exploring the messages we internalised in childhood about who we are and what we deserve. Perhaps we grew up prioritising others' needs over our own, leading to the unconscious belief that others deserve more. Or maybe we were told we were difficult or unworthy, which planted the idea that kindness and success aren't for us.

These early messages shape the beliefs we carry into adulthood. Over time, we might develop the belief that we don’t deserve happiness or success. This belief can influence our choices, from avoiding promotions to keeping others at a distance. In this way, we can unknowingly self-exclude from happiness.

To begin changing this pattern, start by noticing the opportunities you struggle with. Is there a recurring pattern in how you relate to things you want or need? How do these patterns connect to your early experiences?

Next, ask yourself: What advice would I give a friend in this situation? Is that advice different from what I tell myself? Why? What would life look like if I treated myself with the same kindness and support I’d offer a friend?

Change may feel uncomfortable, but it’s entirely possible. Our brains can rewire at any age, and we can start living in alignment with what we truly want. The next time an opportunity arises, like applying for a promotion, push through the discomfort and allow yourself to apply. The more you resist the urge to self-sabotage, the more natural it will become to move toward your goals.

If you find yourself stuck in self-sabotage or feeling like you don’t deserve good things, therapy can help. Unpacking these patterns with a therapist can help you identify limiting beliefs and work toward meaningful change.

I hope this was a thought-provoking read. If you’d like to explore your self-limiting beliefs, you can find me at cosytherapy.com

Warmth and wishes,

✨April ✨