Listening without getting drained 😌

As a therapist, people often ask me how I keep myself well, while listening to experiences of trauma. It’s a tricky skill but it can be developed. So if you’re finding yourself struggling with listening to others, here’s some tips:

🕰️ Be thoughtful about how and when to listen

If you’re always the person on call when friends are feeling stressed or upset, then you’re likely to be heavily impacted yourself. Listening to stress in the middle of the night, or during your downtime, will take its toll. 

Have a think about when you want to be available to your friends, and when you need time to yourself. There are great services that can provide emotional support if you are unable to. By keeping yourself well, you’ll be able to show up hard when you choose to.

🌎 Let go of problem-solving, and return to your world

You might listen and try to problem-solve, but your friend might not follow your advice. That can lead to frustration on your part. Why are they calling, if they won’t take your advice?

They might just want you to listen 😊 Or your advice may be inappropriate for who they are and their underlying desires. So take it easy, and let yourself listen without problem-solving. Sometimes you might find you understand them better - keep a curious mind, and let go of your desire to influence their decisions. 

And if you start to feel frustrated, focus your decision making on your own life - where do you need to make choices? Is this friend bringing a memory up for you, that you need to heal yourself? Or do you just need to rest and enjoy life? Attend to your world, and let your friend attend to theirs.

🚘🚖 Remember that friendship is a two-way street

Friendships can feel meaningful, and they should also feel good. Unlike therapy, a friendship needs to attend to two people’s needs. 

You might like being a listener - but don’t forget that your needs matter, too! Do they need to listen a bit more to you? Do you two have fun, or does it feel like they only call you to vent? Pay attention to what you’re feeling in this friendship, and find out if it’s feeling good for you to continue in this dynamic. And if you need to change what you’re doing, do it. 

✨

I hope this was useful for you in your friendships. If you’re feeling drained and struggling to set boundaries, maybe I could help. I’m an online and in person therapist. We can look at processing relationships from the past, and at skill building and boundary setting in the present. If you’d like to find out if I’m the right practitioner for you, I offer a free 15 minute intro chat, bookable online at cosytherapy.com

✨Warmth and wishes✨

April

Cosy Therapy